The Morrigan by Lauray Pablo
[Just FYI: my Patreon supporters–even at the $1 level, which basically means everyone) will from this point onward be seeing all of my new content-related blog posts (as opposed to the shop posts) at least a day before they are published here. There are additional perks for higher levels of support, but this one in itself is pretty cool, I think.]
If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you may have noticed that while I’ve been republishing some of my older posts, there hasn’t been a lot in the way of new content since the new blog got underway. There are reasons for this: I’m not sure what to post about, not sure how much I want to share publicly, and for months now (ever since Jo started at her new job, which meant being without insurance for several months) I’ve been under-medicated and struggling with both pain and depression. Financial issues have gotten better with Jo’s new job (our rent was raised by $100 beginning this month, which at her old salary would have put us on the streets–now, it’s tight but okay) and we have insurance again, so I should be able to fix the medication issue.
Some of the depression is fibro-related, and medication should help with that. Some of it is situational, due to the state of my business. Even with the amazing gift of essential oils for the shop I received last month, I lost a lot of customers during the shifts that happened last year, and getting them back (let alone attracting new ones) is an uphill battle, especially now that I’m not on Etsy anymore and thus can’t rely on their search to bring new people in. Every single person who finds the shop now is either a diehard long-term customer, or someone I attracted personally via my content marketing efforts. And the latter is a painfully slow process–too slow for comfort, given the lesser but still existent financial issues. Which means my new work pattern goes something like this: planning, followed by burst of activity, following by marketing effort (via Instagram mostly, if you’d like to join me there or help spread the word)…followed by depression creeping in again,when random scattered pockets of sales dry up and everything returns to crickets.
And finally? Some of it is spiritual. I just realized the other day–and admitted to Jo– that I haven’t really been the same since Grim Greyling died in May of 2015. (Yes, I know, “died” is not a word he likes me to use–he prefers “transitioned.”) After he transitioned, he became such a palpable spiritual presence in the household that he actually dimmed the presence of both Odin and Poseidon–let alone anyone else. Seriously, it was as if They were projections on a wall and he was a physical person who stepped in between the projector and the wall–that’s how dramatic it was. I have no real idea how this happened; possibly it’s similar to the way ancestors can make themselves more solidly present sometimes than deities can, due to being closer to the earth plane in the first place. But it happened, and in short order it became clear that he was going to be my familar. (I didn’t call him my familiar while he was a living cat, because I don’t think familiars are living animals, but spirits. Your mileage may vary, of course.)
Anyway, there was no way I was going to ask him to dim his presence so I could feel Odin again; he was a recently passed spirit and relatively fragile, and Odin was…Odin. I figured in time everyone would adjust.
But that didn’t happen, not really. And although Odin/Wodan hasn’t gone anywhere, the dynamics of our relationship have changed a bit. I’m still getting used to it, honestly.
And yes, this definitely fed into the Great Identity Crisis of 2016.
And then? Cue last year, when the Morrigan stepped in to claim me as a daughter. I was supposed to start studying Irish stuff, learn the Ogham, begin a devotional practice for Her. The plan was that Wodan would step back–not leave, just sort of hang out with me (Netflix and chill) while taking a less active role–and She would take over teaching me for a bit. I started out by reading Morpheus Ravenna’s book, acquired a couple of other books (by Stephanie Woodfield and Morgan Daimler), acquired a gorgeous Morrigan print (from the artist who illustrated Morpheus’ book) for my shrine…
And then, I stopped. And also stopped doing anything spiritual, for the most part, that people weren’t paying me to do. (Is it any real wonder I got depressed?)
I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say fear was responsible. Fear of what, precisely, I’m not sure. Fear of change, maybe? Fear of where They wanted me to go next?
But it doesn’t matter. She’s back now (having stepped away for a bit to observe my inaction from a distance) and tapping Her foot at me.
So, although I’ll continue sharing some of my older posts about Odin here, since I know some people find them useful, I’m probably going to keep further developments in that relationship private and away from the internet. Instead, future new content here will have to do with Herself, and wherever that road takes me. I have a feeling it will be a hell of a ride.