A Teensy Confession

morrigan_by_lauraypablo-d9a8utk

The Morrigan by Lauray Pablo

 

[Just FYI: my Patreon supporters–even at the $1 level, which basically means everyone) will from this point onward be seeing all of my new content-related blog posts (as opposed to the shop posts) at least a day before they are published here. There are additional perks for higher levels of support, but this one in itself is pretty cool, I think.]

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you may have noticed that while I’ve been republishing some of my older posts, there hasn’t been a lot in the way of new content since the new blog got underway. There are reasons for this: I’m not sure what to post about, not sure how much I want to share publicly, and for months now (ever since Jo started at her new job, which meant being without insurance for several months) I’ve been under-medicated and struggling with both pain and depression. Financial issues have gotten better with Jo’s new job (our rent was raised by $100 beginning this month, which at her old salary would have put us on the streets–now, it’s tight but okay) and we have insurance again, so I should be able to fix the medication issue.

Some of the depression is fibro-related, and medication should help with that. Some of it is situational, due to the state of my business. Even with the amazing gift of essential oils for the shop I received last month, I lost a lot of customers during the shifts that happened last year, and getting them back (let alone attracting new ones) is an uphill battle, especially now that I’m not on Etsy anymore and thus can’t rely on their search to bring new people in. Every single person who finds the shop now is either a diehard long-term customer, or someone I attracted personally via my content marketing efforts. And the latter is a painfully slow process–too slow for comfort, given the lesser but still existent financial issues. Which means my new work pattern goes something like this: planning, followed by burst of activity, following by marketing effort (via Instagram mostly, if you’d like to join me there or help spread the word)…followed by depression creeping in again,when random scattered pockets of sales dry up and everything returns to crickets.

And finally? Some of it is spiritual. I just realized the other day–and admitted to Jo– that I haven’t really been the same since Grim Greyling died in May of 2015. (Yes, I know, “died” is not a word he likes me to use–he prefers “transitioned.”) After he transitioned, he became such a palpable spiritual presence in the household that he actually dimmed the presence of both Odin and Poseidon–let alone anyone else. Seriously, it was as if They were projections on a wall and he was a physical person who stepped in between the projector and the wall–that’s how dramatic it was. I have no real idea how this happened; possibly it’s similar to the way ancestors can make themselves more solidly present sometimes than deities can, due to being closer to the earth plane in the first place. But it happened, and in short order it became clear that he was going to be my familar. (I didn’t call him my familiar while he was a living cat, because I don’t think familiars are living animals, but spirits. Your mileage may vary, of course.)

Anyway, there was no way I was going to ask him to dim his presence so I could feel Odin again; he was a recently passed spirit and relatively fragile, and Odin was…Odin. I figured in time everyone would adjust.

But that didn’t happen, not really. And although Odin/Wodan hasn’t gone anywhere, the dynamics of our relationship have changed a bit. I’m still getting used to it, honestly.

And yes, this definitely fed into the Great Identity Crisis of 2016.

And then? Cue last year, when the Morrigan stepped in to claim me as a daughter. I was supposed to start studying Irish stuff, learn the Ogham, begin a devotional practice for Her. The plan was that Wodan would step back–not leave, just sort of hang out with me (Netflix and chill) while taking a less active role–and She would take over teaching me for a bit. I started out by reading Morpheus Ravenna’s book, acquired a couple of other books (by Stephanie Woodfield and Morgan Daimler), acquired a gorgeous Morrigan print (from the artist who illustrated Morpheus’ book) for my shrine…

And then, I stopped. And also stopped doing anything spiritual, for the most part, that people weren’t paying me to do. (Is it any real wonder I got depressed?)

I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say fear was responsible. Fear of what, precisely, I’m not sure. Fear of change, maybe? Fear of where They wanted me to go next?

But it doesn’t matter. She’s back now (having stepped away for a bit to observe my inaction from a distance) and tapping Her foot at me.

So, although I’ll continue sharing some of my older posts about Odin here, since I know some people find them useful, I’m probably going to keep further developments in that relationship private and away from the internet. Instead, future new content here will have to do with Herself, and wherever that road takes me. I have a feeling it will be a hell of a ride.

Advertisements

9 Comments Add yours

  1. Soli says:

    I can relate in my own ways so I am voicing my support for you here.When the spoon allotment is low it’s hard to figure out where to go next, much less any other considerations.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I appreciate that. ❤

      Like

  2. V. says:

    I’m in a similar place of stepping back from talking about many of the changes in my path. I’ve found that at the moment I want to keep a lot of my path private (especially my marriages.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. One that I still do is communicate between pets and their humans. What you describe is not that unusual. Sometimes a pet and human will so intertwine their energies, that they become almost one being. Neither will leave the other.

    One thing is to talk to the “cat” and to figure out the parameters of your relationship. Offering incense and small “toys” at a dedicated altar would probably help. Sometimes, when the human is going through an upheaval or the pet thinks that they are, they step in and protect the human. The relationship that you have now of course is an on-going process which the two of you are working out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is not a bad idea–thank you!

      Like

  4. aoibheall52 says:

    I dunno – when someone ‘claims’ me as daughter I’m not inclined to accept that right off the bat myself. An invitation, yes – anything else pushes me away. I don’t believe that we are forced to accept a relationship if we don’t want one. Maybe you felt a teensy bit resentful? I can’t understand how the deities can’t grasp that when we’re feeling sick, or stressed, or fragile that we don’t learn as well as we would otherwise. How can one devote energy to learning when we’re ill or depressed or living on the edge of financial ruin? What we need are a type of place we can retreat to, something along the lines of a monastery, the intentional community devoted to advancement of the individual.

    Like

    1. That would be wonderful, wouldn’t it? In our current world, I don’t think it’s going to happen though–or at the very least, it’s a long way off.

      I’m used to pushy deities. 🙂 I was confused, because it had only been “Wodan” (my version of Him) for a long time. I wouldn’t say that it was unwelcome or that I felt resentful, so much as I just didn’t have the spoons to deal with it at the time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. aoibheall52 says:

        I still feel like a cow flap so my replies are slow to come. I WISH the deities were pushy! Sometimes I need a cattle prod to get me to move because I’m very stubborn. None of the ones I’ve been in contact with are. Hope that soon you’ll have excess energy for all the interesting things to come!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you, I hope so too! 😀

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s